As part of the blog tour for Eleanor the Unseen, Book 1, I recently had the chance to interview author-chum Johnny Worthen for a possible position in an organization I can’t really say much about. Here is a transcript of that discussion:
BK: Howdy, Johnny! I just wanna say, it’s nice talking with you again. I wish it was under friendlier circumstances. Seems like there’s never time to just chat, you know?
JW: It’s good have a chance to catch up. The shackles are surprisingly warm today.
BK: This job, man. It’s not that I don’t like the work or believe in the organization’s agenda. It’s just tiring that I get to talk to interesting people, but only about official stuff. And then I can’t fraternize with the interviewees during the evaluation period! It is what it is, I guess. Well, let’s get on with the questions, shall we?
JW: A swinging pendulum blade pauses for no man. Proceed.
BK: Are you now – or have you ever been – a member of an international crime syndicate whose stated goals include world domination and/or enslavement?
JW: Stated goals? No.
BK: If given a powerful, hand-held death ray, what would you do with it?
JW: Form a crime syndicate whose stated goals include world domination and/or enslavement.
BK: If asked to perform overseas operations, which country would you prefer to rampage through? Second part – sorry, it’s a two-parter – which country would you prefer to stay away from?
JW: Denmark would be okay for a rampage. They could use a good rampage. Japan not so much. They’re used to it.
BK: If accepted into the organization, you may be required to undergo extensive biological reconfiguration. Are there any features – like gills or lizard feet – you’d like to have added to your body?
JW: Wings. Definitely wings.
BK: What role do you see for yourself in field operations? Sniper, infantry, air assault, extraction team… the list goes on and on. Your preferred method of combat would dictate which type of bionic enhancement you may receive upon advancement in the ranks.
JW: Strategic bombing and literary criticism.
BK: Does the prospect of opening a portal to Hell excite you, bore you, frighten you, or other? Why?
JW: Most of heroes are down there, so it’d be cool to have a portal. Possessions are so tiring.
BK: Sorry, the questions get a little strange from here, bordering on silly. I don’t know why they want to know these things, but they do. Sorry. Which cartoon character do you most identify with?
BK: If attacked by gnomes at this very second, what would you use to fight them off?
BK: If our organization’s dark leader demanded you throw yourself into a volcano, what would you wear? What music would you like playing as you climbed the side of the volcano?
JW: Tie-dye and sandals, Greatful Dead, Fire on the Mountain. What else?
BK: How would you feel about working closely with a resurrected former lead singer of a band with the word “Grateful” in their name?
JW: Hell yeah! I miss Jerry!
BK: Uh, I mean… I didn’t say it was Jerry Garcia! I never said that!
JW: But… Ah, come on… Jerry…
BK: How many push-ups can you do?
JW: 500. Not in a row though. Not even.
BK: Just kidding! The real question is, how many push-ups can you force a foreign diplomat to do using nothing more than simple torture?
JW: As many as I want.
BK: If aliens are real, and they obey creatures from realms below, what arts and crafts would you create to honor them?
JW: Interpretive dance and macramé.
BK: Almost done, just bear with me here.
JW: I know these answers are going to haunt my writing career forever. Plus now the aliens have insight into my macramé plans.
BK: How does one summon the blood squirrels?
JW: Blood nuts.
BK: Have you completed any evil projects recently that the Applicant Acceptance and Disposal Unit should know about?
JW: I started an organic free-range scorpion farm in my unfenced back yard. The neighbors threatened to complain, but I haven’t see or heard from them in weeks. Oh, and I wrote a book. ELEANOR, THE UNSEEN.
BK: Where can the AADU research your background and activities on the internet?
BK: Thanks for taking the time, Johnny! I think this went really well. One way or another, you’ll be hearing from the AADU real soon. Lastly of all, here’s one last thing: