Two Year Old Goes On Tank Rampage,
Razes Small Town
TOMAHAWK, WI – On May 3rd, Tomahawk residents were terrorized by a local two-year-old boy when the toddler mounted the tank at Memorial Park and began a rampage that left the city in ruins.
“Nobody knew that tank was operational,” said a local man. “It’s been sitting there for decades with that giant gun pointing at passing traffic. If we knew, I think we would’ve done [something] different.”
The toddler who drove the tank has been identified only as “J.O. Kelley” by local law enforcement officials. Witnesses on the scene said the child posed for photos atop the tank just moments before shoving his father to the ground and entering the machine.
“Once he closed that hatch, there wasn’t no way to get him out. Them tanks… That’s how they made them [for],” said VFW Vice Treasurer Lloyd Goobler.
The tank rolled through downtown Tomahawk blasting businesses and crushing cars for five hours on Saturday before the child grew bored and fell asleep. After a forty minute nap, the child awoke and continue leveling the town for an additional three and a half hours. Property damages are still being assessed, but some early estimates put the damage costs in the trillions. Can that be right? Trillions? No way, guys. Come on, we have a serious job to do. I saw that! You know what, Eddie? You’re done. Turn in your badge and your gun. Blake, would you take Eddie to Interrogation Room 6 and wait for me? I’ll be down to conduct his “exit interview” as soon as I’m done with this article. Yes, break his hands.
After the rampage, the sleepy toddler emerged from the tank covered in soot and grinning contentedly. His parents collected him and drove him from the scene after struggling him into a car seat very much against his will. No arrests have been made. Police and federal officials are on the lookout for this boy:
Officials also note the suspect may be armed and should be considered extremely dangerous. He is not to be approached unless you have peanut butter M&Ms.