Recently, Jeremy C. Shipp asked his friends to send him five weird questions. I’ve done just that. Well, I’ve kind of done that. These questions don’t feel particularly weird to me. Just questions that demand answers.
BMK: What’s up with all these spiders in clown paint?
JCS: As everyone knows, the spider queen is a compulsive gambler. She recently lost a bet with her lady-in-waiting, and as a result, the queen had to wear clown makeup to the opera. (The opera was Deliziosa Madama Butterfly.) Now all the young and fashionable spiders are clowning themselves up.
BMK: How do we get the gnomes to stop slicing our eyelids while we sleep?
JCS: If the gnomes stopped slicing our eyelids, we wouldn’t be able to open up our eyes in the morning. Our eyelids seal themselves shut every night, out of a sense of childish contumacy. It is true that gnomes sometimes go overboard by slicing up our eyeballs using meat cleavers, but that’s just the nature of gnomes.
BMK: What advice can you give my friend Joey, who insists the robots are trying to steal his brain?
JCS: Tell Joey that he was a robot all along.
BMK: If I skin my dog and sew him into my own skin, will he live as long as I do?
JCS: I’m afraid he’ll bleed to death, unless you can get him one of those fancy robot dog brains.
BMK: How do I summon the Lord of Toads?
JCS: First, you need to encourage a wart to grow on the back of your hand. To speed up the growing process, I suggest using supportive phrases such as “You can do it, wart” and “I believe in you, wart.” After your wart reaches maturity, you to need to liquefy a DVD copy of Lord of the Dance. Next, inject the liquid into the wart. Two weeks later, the wart will burst, spilling pus, ooze and magic everywhere. The dancing Lord of Toads will grant you one wish, as long as it doesn’t harm any toads, frogs, newts or salamanders. He doesn’t care about caecilians.
Folks, check out Jeremy’s most recent work, a short story collection called MONSTROSITIES. (Click here)