Some Stuff While You Wait

Update: Chuggie and the Prisoner Gods is being edited as we speak. Well, as YOU speak. Me, I’m editing.

While you wait for big announcements and such, here are some fancy pictures I took recently:

Here’s a fire I had a week or so ago. I see a fire skull in there.

flameskullAnd here’s a frog that was with me at the fire:

20140712_233615 Here are some baby birds who have been plotting to kill me:20140716_083632 Here’s a deer that came up and watched me use the table saw the other day. 20140716_132333

Here’s the sky or something:
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Not good enough? How about THESE!

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But you know what? That one of the Boy in the swing is a little off. Let me just tweak it a tiny bit with Photoshop aaaaand…

JordyKnifeboy

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Johnny Worthen Gets a Job Interview

eleanor-blog tour-banner

As part of the blog tour for Eleanor the Unseen, Book 1, I recently had the chance to interview author-chum Johnny Worthen for a possible position in an organization I can’t really say much about. Here is a transcript of that discussion:

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BK: Howdy, Johnny! I just wanna say, it’s nice talking with you again. I wish it was under friendlier circumstances. Seems like there’s never time to just chat, you know?

JW: It’s good have a chance to catch up. The shackles are surprisingly warm today.

BK: This job, man. It’s not that I don’t like the work or believe in the organization’s agenda. It’s just tiring that I get to talk to interesting people, but only about official stuff. And then I can’t fraternize with the interviewees during the evaluation period! It is what it is, I guess. Well, let’s get on with the questions, shall we?

JW: A swinging pendulum blade pauses for no man. Proceed.

BK: Are you now – or have you ever been – a member of an international crime syndicate whose stated goals include world domination and/or enslavement?

JW: Stated goals? No.

BK: If given a powerful, hand-held death ray, what would you do with it?

JW: Form a crime syndicate whose stated goals include world domination and/or enslavement.

BK: If asked to perform overseas operations, which country would you prefer to rampage through? Second part – sorry, it’s a two-parter – which country would you prefer to stay away from?

JW: Denmark would be okay for a rampage. They could use a good rampage. Japan not so much. They’re used to it.

BK: If accepted into the organization, you may be required to undergo extensive biological reconfiguration. Are there any features – like gills or lizard feet – you’d like to have added to your body?

JW: Wings. Definitely wings.

BK: What role do you see for yourself in field operations? Sniper, infantry, air assault, extraction team… the list goes on and on. Your preferred method of combat would dictate which type of bionic enhancement you may receive upon advancement in the ranks.

JW: Strategic bombing and literary criticism.

BK: Does the prospect of opening a portal to Hell excite you, bore you, frighten you, or other? Why?

JW: Most of heroes are down there, so it’d be cool to have a portal. Possessions are so tiring.

BK: Sorry, the questions get a little strange from here, bordering on silly. I don’t know why they want to know these things, but they do. Sorry. Which cartoon character do you most identify with?

JW: Totoro.

BK: If attacked by gnomes at this very second, what would you use to fight them off?

JW: Sarcasm.

BK: If our organization’s dark leader demanded you throw yourself into a volcano, what would you wear? What music would you like playing as you climbed the side of the volcano?

JW: Tie-dye and sandals, Greatful Dead, Fire on the Mountain. What else?

BK: How would you feel about working closely with a resurrected former lead singer of a band with the word “Grateful” in their name?

JW: Hell yeah! I miss Jerry!

BK: Uh, I mean… I didn’t say it was Jerry Garcia! I never said that!

JW: But… Ah, come on… Jerry…

BK: How many push-ups can you do?

JW: 500. Not in a row though. Not even.

BK: Just kidding! The real question is, how many push-ups can you force a foreign diplomat to do using nothing more than simple torture?

JW: As many as I want.

BK: If aliens are real, and they obey creatures from realms below, what arts and crafts would you create to honor them?

JW: Interpretive dance and macramé.

BK: Almost done, just bear with me here.

JW: I know these answers are going to haunt my writing career forever. Plus now the aliens have insight into my macramé plans.

BK: How does one summon the blood squirrels?

JW: Blood nuts.

BK: Have you completed any evil projects recently that the Applicant Acceptance and Disposal Unit should know about?

JW: I started an organic free-range scorpion farm in my unfenced back yard. The neighbors threatened to complain, but I haven’t see or heard from them in weeks. Oh, and I wrote a book. ELEANOR, THE UNSEEN.

Eleanor Cover

 

BK: Where can the AADU research your background and activities on the internet?

JW: The usual places.
My website
Facebook
Goodreads
Twitter
Amazon
Barnes & Noble

BK: Thanks for taking the time, Johnny! I think this went really well. One way or another, you’ll be hearing from the AADU real soon. Lastly of all, here’s one last thing:

a Rafflecopter giveaway

 

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Friday the 13th Chuggie Giveaway

(Sign up from June 13 – June 23, 2014)

Happy Friday the 13th, chums! Tomorrow is the anniversary of Chuggie and the Bleeding Gateways’ release date, and so I’m going to give some books away. How does that sound?

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Chuggie and the Bleeding Gateways is my second novel, published on June 14, 2013. It follows Chuggie on his continuing adventures right after the Desecration of Stagwater. Steel Jacks are after him, children are lost, volkani are lurking, and Chuggie’s bone dagger seems to have strange powers. When we released this book, I decided to send half of my royalties to the American Cancer Society for one year. Since then, I’ve decided not to limit it to one year and not to limit it to the royalties from this book. I plan to continue sending half of my total author royalties to the American Cancer Society for the foreseeable future, so any copy of any of my books that you buy helps fight cancer. Sooooo… you know… ahem…

Chuggie #1I will give a signed set to one lucky winner. They’ll receive Chuggie and the Desecration of Stagwater, Chuggie and the Bleeding Gateways, and Chuggie and the Fish Freaks of Farheath, all signed and polished and ready for reading. Others may receive consolation prizes, which will depend entirely upon how generous I feel on the day of the drawing.

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I was trying to think of a way to do this so that anyone could enter. If I do it on Facebook, a lot of people will sign up, but then you have to have a Facebook account to play. Well, I know some delightful people who don’t want a Facebook account, but they’d love some Chuggie. Same for Twitter, Goodreads, Google+, and so on. I wanted to do something more inclusive. I decided to try it out on my website, which doesn’t see nearly the traffic of the others. As such, I would be ELATED if you helped spread the word! Go ahead. Take a moment to share this page with everyone you know. I can wait until you get back.

I’m going to choose a winner at random from the comments on this very post. To sign up to win, simply leave a comment. Any comment. Preferably something nice, y’know? You could tell me what you like about Chuggie. If you haven’t read Chuggie, you could ask a question about Chuggie. You could tell me my hair smells nice. You could say something spooky. You could tell me how awesome you are. And so forth.

Contest rules: As most of my money is tied up in an auction for a non-working Batmobile replica, I’m afraid I have to limit the contest to the United States. In the future, I imagine my non-working Batmobile replica will be quite the money maker, and I’ll be able to expand the contest to worldwide. One winner will be chosen at random. Other winners may be selected randomly to recieve consolation prizes, but if I’m in a bad mood that day maybe not. Winner(s?) will be notified by email. They’ll have 3 days to accept their prize before I’ll move on and randomly select a new winner. The contest will run for 10 days, so you have until June 23 to sign up. I reserve the right to alter the rules of this contest at any time or cancel it altogether (if I become enraged). There will also be a way to sign up on Facebook for folks who don’t have the energy to come all the way here from there. (It’s a long ways!)

I suppose if you don’t want to leave a comment, you could sign up by messaging me with this handy Contact Form.

Lastly, a Chuggie update:

Chuggie and the Prisoner Gods is coming along smashingly. Literally smashingly. It immediately follows the events of Chuggie and the Bleeding Gateways. Plenty of monsters and adventure and magic and mayhem. Some swearing. Some steaminess. It’s right on track for a September release (I think!), so all you gotta do is hang on a little longer. It’s going to feature some astonishing artwork from David Francis Starr. I swear, every time he sends me new artwork to look at my head literally figuratively metaphorically explodes. Yours will too when you get your copy of Chuggie and the Prisoner Gods… in September when we release it.

And after Prisoner Gods, I plan to do some more short Chuggie tales. Yes, Chuggie’s shorts will be enjoyed by all. You’ll be walking around with Chuggie’s shorts in your hand, and strangers will ask, “My word, what’s that you’re carrying?” You’ll smirk and reply, “Why, these are some of Chuggie’s shorts, friend!” They’ll ask, “How could I get my own hands on Chuggie’s shorts?” To which you’ll reply, “Ask the internet, dummy!” and then you’ll stomp away. That will be very rude of you, but you will be having a rough day because all you want to do is sit down and enjoy Chuggie’s shorts, but strangers keep bothering you.

 

Posted in Chuggie Rules, Writing | 16 Comments

Two Year Old Goes On Tank Rampage

Two Year Old Goes On Tank Rampage,
Razes Small Town

TOMAHAWK, WI – On May 3rd, Tomahawk residents were terrorized by a local two-year-old boy when the toddler mounted the tank at Memorial Park and began a rampage that left the city in ruins.

Moments before the tank rampage.

Moments before the tank rampage.

“Nobody knew that tank was operational,” said a local man. “It’s been sitting there for decades with that giant gun pointing at passing traffic. If we knew, I think we would’ve done [something] different.”

The toddler who drove the tank has been identified only as “J.O. Kelley” by local law enforcement officials. Witnesses on the scene said the child posed for photos atop the tank just moments before shoving his father to the ground and entering the machine.

“Once he closed that hatch, there wasn’t no way to get him out. Them tanks… That’s how they made them [for],” said VFW Vice Treasurer Lloyd Goobler.

The tank rolled through downtown Tomahawk blasting businesses and crushing cars for five hours on Saturday before the child grew bored and fell asleep. After a forty minute nap, the child awoke and continue leveling the town for an additional three and a half hours. Property damages are still being assessed, but some early estimates put the damage costs in the trillions. Can that be right? Trillions?  No way, guys. Come on, we have a serious job to do. I saw that! You know what, Eddie? You’re done. Turn in your badge and your gun. Blake, would you take Eddie to Interrogation Room 6 and wait for me? I’ll be down to conduct his “exit interview” as soon as I’m done with this article. Yes, break his hands.

After the rampage, the sleepy toddler emerged from the tank covered in soot and grinning contentedly. His parents collected him and drove him from the scene after struggling him into a car seat very much against his will. No arrests have been made. Police and federal officials are on the lookout for this boy:

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Officials also note the suspect may be armed and should be considered extremely dangerous. He is not to be approached unless you have peanut butter M&Ms.

Posted in Family, Local, Personal | Leave a comment

Yt’z Trading Co.

As I tore my house apart, I happened to notice the clock. It was just after midnight, but sleep was the furthest thing from my mind. I needed a taste, just a little taste, just one… last… taste. The kitchen looked like a disaster movie before long, and I slowly began to accept there was no more to be had. Shrieking, clawing at my eyes, I screamed over and over, “Gold Rush! Goold Ruuush! Gooooold Ruuuuush!” I heard a voice whisper, “There’s no more Gold Rush.” Was that me? Did I say that? Had I gone insane? Crawling to the basement, I knew I had a lot to think about.

I don’t usually post about foodstuffs on this here site, but today I am compelled. Yt’z Trading Co. (pronounced “Whitey’s) is making some sauces and rubs that you need to know about right now so you can put them in your belly ASAP. These are family recipes, tweaked and refined by Yt himself, the company owner.

First, the Rubs: Between the Classic Rub and the Fire Rub, you will never go back to your old seasoning salt again. Not ever. You will forget its name. You will scoff at its label.

The Hurricane Sauce: This is an Eastern Carolina thin vinegar sauce with a sassy set of spices that are great for pork. I also recommend it for venison, chicken, burgers, brats, meatballs, and anything else you want to taste damn good. Use it as an ingredient in your Bloody Mary.

The Shark Byte Sauce: This is a Western Carolina sauce with a little extra bite. I’ve used it on venison, beef, fish, eggs, and a bunch of other stuff. When I want my sinuses opened up, this is my sauce of choice. Use it as another ingredient in your Bloody Mary.

The Gold Rush Sauce: I’ve saved my favorite for last. The Gold Rush is a South Carolina mustard-based sauce that I’ve been using on meatballs, chicken strips, burgers, brats, and dang near everything else. Now I’m down to the last half-ounce, and I can’t even bring myself to use it. What if I did? I’d be out, that’s what. It seems like a strange thing to live in fear of, you’re right. Maybe I’ll just go ahead and use the rest tomorrow, then order a new bottle like a grown-up… Maybe a whole case, so I can have a couple bottles just to sip on… GOLD RUSH!

Want my advice? Get the Combo Pack, chums. And if Yt ever invites you over for a barbecue, by God, you GO! Be ready to talk about pirates when you get there. I promise Yt will not make fun of you for licking the extra sauce off your plate.

 

All photos courtesy of Yt’z Trading Company. I didn’t make any of those dishes or take any of those photographs. I would certainly have eaten them, though.

Posted in Art | 2 Comments

Is Mercedes Murdock Yardley a Secret Cannibal?

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Greetings, chums. I recently had a discussion with Mercedes Murdock Yardley that I found both fascinating and terrifying. By the end, I was left wondering… Is Mercedes Murdock Yardley a secret cannibal? Or, perhaps, an overt one? And, if so, is she planning to eat me? Here is that chilling interview:

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BMK: In most countries, it’s a crime to engage in cannibalism. What do you see as the key benefits of consuming human flesh?

MMY: There’s something to be said for not only overpowering your enemy, but then consuming his still-beating heart. It’s the ultimate in one-upmanship, and who doesn’t like to be a winner? Matt Betts, I’m coming for you! RAWWWWWWRRRR!

BMK: Cannibalism is wrong. WRONG, I SAY! If you were to cook and eat another person, how would you prepare them?

MMY: It’s absolutely wrong. Horrifically wrong.

I like my meat sweet more than savory. Since I imagine we’d be tough and stringy, I think I’d put my delicious human in a crock pot with one of my homemade orange-ginger marmalades. Cook on low for, what, twelve hours or so? Delicious Pulled-Person on a toasted sesame seed bun. And perhaps some green beans, freshly snapped.

BMK: Humans have eaten other humans for survival during crises, which I guess is okay. If your plane were to crash in the Andes, who would you want with you (so you could devour their flesh for sustenance)? Who’d be real tasty?

MMY: Oh, geeze. I’m kind of a social girl, so maybe somebody with tenacity.  That way we could talk and chatter and hike back to civilization while I eat them piece by piece. You know, somebody who would power through and limp on down with only one leg.  Liam Neeson, perhaps? Jason Statham?

BMK: Cannibalism, as abhorrent as it is, has been with mankind since the beginning. Who’s a historical figure who you would have liked to have eaten?

MMY: For some reason Cleopatra seems like she would have been tasty. Well-fed, not overworked, good sense of style. She might be my pick. If, you know, cannibalism wasn’t as wrong as it is. If I was absolutely forced to cannibalize a historic figure, naturally.

BMK: I hate cannibals. Okay, so these three guys go into a bar: a policeman, a politician, and a priest. They all sit down and put their money on the bar. Before they can order, the lights go out. A minute later, the lights come back on, and the money’s all gone. Who took the money?

MMY: I did. I’m writer. Poverty calls, my friend.

BMK: WRONG! It was cannibals! All this talk about cannibals is wearing on me because, as I may have mentioned, I hate them. Do you have any favorite cannibals?

MMY: Jeffrey Dahmer was probably my first introduction to modern cannibalism. I remember when that story broke and it was just…yikes. I couldn’t believe such a thing still happened. But the cannibal that stays with me the most, I think, is Albert Fish. He seemed to live in a daintier time. His letter to his victim’s parents was equal parts sick and elegant. He’s every parent’s nightmare. That said, I hope he burns eternally in the same oven he roasted his victim in. Tit for tat, I always say.

BMK: I would never promote cannibalism. Never. But let’s say I was gonna promote cannibalism a little. Got any ideas for potential pro-cannibalism slogans?

MMY: I think I’d go for something catchy that you could yell while driving past somebody in a car. Like “Incisors for Outsiders!” or maybe, “You Are What You Eat” with a picture of a beautiful person holding their diploma and the cure for cancer. That would appeal to our modern laziness. I can become brilliant simply by ingesting geniuses? Excellent!

BMK: What kinds of people would you NOT want to eat if you were, you know, a cannibal?

MMY: I think I’d tend not to cannibalize people rife with diseases and with drugs pumping through their system. It’s really important to only eat free-range, organic, happy people.

Shiny happy people. I think there’s a song about it.

BMK: You sure seem like you’re in favor of cannibalism. Is there something you’re not telling us?

MMY: I really, really like pineapple. It goes with everything. 

Everything.

BMK: Is there anything apart from your pro-cannibalism agenda that you’d like to mention before we part ways?

MMY: I would like to publicly state that eating others is morally and legally wrong. Unless, of course, they consent. There’s a great IT Crowd episode about it that everybody should watch.

Also, I don’t bite unless asked. Then all bets are off, my darlings.

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Mercedes Murdock Yardley can be found on her website and the Facebooks and the Twitters. Her latest novel, Nameless: the Darkness Comes, is available now. It’s the first installment of The Bone Angel Trilogy, and if you read it maybe the author won’t steal you away in the night to feast upon your flesh. MAYBE.

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Posted in Writing | 2 Comments